I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
men are simple creatures
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.