My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.