In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
You Might Also Like
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.