I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.