A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.