A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
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Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now