My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.