some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Catering service
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
quarantine day 3
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple