@IamEnidColeslaw

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

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@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@IamJackBoot

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

@spotswoj

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

@whalesmells

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

@QwertyJones3

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal