some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.


Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.


“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?


I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”


When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.


Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal