to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
You Might Also Like
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight