[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
You Might Also Like
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs