Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
all that yoga finally paid off
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: