My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
You Might Also Like
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Monica just destroyed the internet
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
how to have an accident 101
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.