Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
That took me a moment.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.