Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe