MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?