Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Do not steal food from the science building!
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future