Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I don’t think my car can fly
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Sing it!
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.