Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.