*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Raisins are grape jerky.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you