I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m giving up for Lent.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
The Weeknd is back
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.