I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday