This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.