“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
You Might Also Like
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Fries, not lies.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.