Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m tired tomorrow.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it