Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen