I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.