So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.