Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf