The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.