With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
yeet
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”