My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
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just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Worst bar ever.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
🤣could you imagine