STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked