Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”