I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
lol
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.