I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.