The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
A Short Story.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
greetings!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?