Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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Something Saturday.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.