Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.