got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Meow
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.