[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
White parent Vs Arab parents
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.