just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.