“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Muppet Screams
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh