[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Clients after you give them your rates
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
happy mother’s day❤️
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”