Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this