*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Free him
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.