every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.