@malt_skull

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

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@bridger_w

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

@ozzyunc

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

@Dawn_M_

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

@PantlessCanuck

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

@GrantTanaka

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@Stellacopter

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

@JohnLyonTweets

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”