“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”