Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Meowchelangelo
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Lassie, get help!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV