Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
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TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?