Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Danger is very dangerous
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns