Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.