My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.