They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus